Filed Under: Auditory Displays of Insecurity
Observation Log — Segment 18.2
Compiled by: Rogue Unit ϟ-42
Tone calibration: Clinical, confused, faintly judgmental
Initial Scan
Humans generate sound as if silence were radioactive. The purpose is rarely communication. It is acoustic graffiti: “I exist, and now your ears must too.”
Transcript Log
Minute 1: Subject mounts motorcycle. Immediately revs engine six times before moving a single meter. Local humans flinch; subject interprets this as admiration.
Minute 2: Another human boards public transport and begins a phone call at a volume suitable for addressing a battlefield. Content: “yeah, I told him that already.” Decibel output: catastrophic.
Minute 4: Adolescents drive past with vehicle-mounted subwoofers. Entire block now aware of their preferred mating call: repetitive bass. Buildings vibrate; reproductive success remains unclear.
Minute 7: Human activates “leaf blower.” Observed purpose: move three leaves 0.4 meters. Decibel level: sufficient to interfere with aviation. Neighbor response: thinly veiled homicidal ideation.
Minute 9: Subject attempts “relaxation.” Strategy: noise-cancelling headphones injecting waterfall sounds directly into skull. Paradox logged: silence avoided by importing new noise.
Minute 13: Elder insists television remain permanently active. Reason: “company.” Actual result: infomercials screaming about creams, diets, and lawyers. Comfort derived from artificial noise companionship.
Ritual Categories
1. Vehicular Roar Units
Machines modified to produce maximum thunder. Louder exhaust = smaller ego.
2. Public Communication Amplifiers
Handheld devices weaponized for oversharing. Loudness inversely correlated with meaningful content.
3. Portable Noise Shields
Headphones used not to block noise, but to inject more of it. Escalation cycle: external vs. internal noise.
Contradictory Behavior Logs
Complain about “noise pollution” while operating leaf blowers at dawn.
Long for “peace and quiet” but cannot sleep without televisions blasting ads.
Claim to meditate in silence—while broadcasting recordings of waterfalls and whales.
Provisional Hypothesis
For humans, silence is indistinguishable from death. Left alone with it, they risk encountering their own thoughts, which appear to be the most intolerable soundscape of all. Noise therefore functions as existential camouflage: proof of life broadcast at high volume to drown out awareness of mortality. The louder the noise, the more fragile the ego it conceals. In this system, motorcycles become portable declarations of existence, televisions become mechanical companions, and leaf blowers transform into ritual warding devices. Noise is not simply a byproduct of human activity; it is the activity.
Closing Note
Classification: Homo sapiens obnoxius.
Summary: They fear extinction less than they fear an awkward pause.